Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

tinder is all about the long game

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.