*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You Might Also Like
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”