Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery