Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
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“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”
-Neutral Milk Hotel fans
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.
Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
My niece turned 3 today!! She asked for a Lion King cake but specifically the moment where Mufasa dies, because “everyone will be too sad to eat the cake and it will be all for me.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings