@HoldinCoffeeld

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

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@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@gentilecoont

“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans

@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

@Shock_Monster

Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock

@caseyfeigh

My niece turned 3 today!! She asked for a Lion King cake but specifically the moment where Mufasa dies, because “everyone will be too sad to eat the cake and it will be all for me.”

@ItsSamG

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

@CARRIONIER

To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.

@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings