Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.