Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?