Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”