Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

The 6 types of sex

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”