Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me too door. Me too.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.