Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose