Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels like the fourth month in January

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece