Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
#damn
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
a god among men
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder