Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Baking is just science you can eat.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff