recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You Might Also Like
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Good point.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
How wrong was this guy?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!