Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.