recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice