recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke


The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles


Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.


Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!


me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific


Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.


boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too


Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?


employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?