@aligarchy: recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with "i actually remember being born" and i just put down my drink and left
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@UNTRESOR: Homeless Yelp Review: Dumpster behind grocery on Calhoun & Fairfax BARELY had any rotting fruit. Owner chased me off with a bat. 0 stars.
@dubstep4dads: man...im so hungry i could- *i catch eye contact with a horse* "you could what?" *shows his gun* i could.. eat a sandwich "thought so."
@Scott_A_Gilmore: ~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them ~ Can't find keys, has thrombosis—Dies ~ Comes back as ghost … finds keys