Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

absolutely not

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito