recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
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I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”