if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
A leaf blower, but for people.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming