Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
(Musicians.)
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
