Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
