Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
how long have you had this for?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.