Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.