Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going