Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
You Might Also Like
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”