*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
You Might Also Like
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.