Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

same vibe as tangled headphones

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that