Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

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HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

my mom making me talk to relatives

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator