Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Icarus loved hot wings.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree