Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
For anyone who needs this today
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.