Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.