Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Somebody call the cops.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.