Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
📽️movie date🎞️
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.