Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

😬

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

reminder