Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.