Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.