Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father