Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My current situation
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.