Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Lol

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

💀💀💀💀

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.