Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Dammit Chief not again

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?