Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C