Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.