Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.