Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

not for long

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

🐠

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?