Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.