Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Good morning
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”