Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin