recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!