Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]