recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
IT’S-A ME,
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes