Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this