Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
