Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
