Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.