Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Oh no

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.