Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not