Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Not my job 😂

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.