Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

I’m tired tomorrow.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.