When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes
Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*calls it ‘This Year’.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.