Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back

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I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.


I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.


Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.


interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel


[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]


If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.


If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?


I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.