“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.