Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Customer is always right

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*