Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me