Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”