Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

How high do the levels go?

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.