Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

October already? What’s next? November????

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

smh

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex