Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said