Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.