Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.