Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did