Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Sniffing the broccoli
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I have no passwords left in me
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’