Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”